Every year, my husband gets a review at work, and I am consistently jealous of the detailed feedback and well-deserved commendations he receives. Where is my performance review? As a praise junkie who grew up in the self-esteem focused 1990’s, I am always looking for feedback, but how would one even judge such a profession as stay-at-home parent extraordinaire?
Typically, managers and supervisors review their employees, but who could gauge my success as a mom? As reluctant as I am to admit it, my children are somehow my bosses and my underlings. Their requests, their needs, and the requirements involved in their care make up my job description. So I wonder, if they composed my employee review, what would they write?
Employee review for: “Mommy”
Overall Performance of Responsibilities:
Has employee mastered the basic skills to perform the duties in her job description?
- Mommy is an astute remover of both sandwich crusts and ketchup stains.
- She provides sound feedback on seasonal appropriateness of attire.
- Mommy fulfills obligatory transportation duties while navigating auditory ambiance.
- Mommy consistently carries between-meal nourishment in her work bag.
How reliable is the employee (i.e. arriving on time, following through on requests, etc.)?
- Per job requirements, Mommy is available all hours of the day every day of the year.
- Mommy is consistently prompt for bus stop duty, teacher conferences, and preschool pick up.
- Mommy occasionally arrives late to gymnastics and baseball games.
- She often avoids responsibility for tardiness (i.e. blaming supervisors’ alleged “polky behavior” and/or traffic.)
- Mommy often refuses to comply with particular after-dinner food requests.
- Adding to this, Mommy sometimes provides only fruit and calls it a “treat.”
Does employee network appropriately to further her career goals?
- Mommy successfully schedules ‘meet and greet opportunities.’
- She could vary meeting locations, as they typically occur at the same 2 playgrounds.
- Mommy networks often at events focused on drinking wine and talking about her managers.
- She sometimes masks such obvious social events as ‘event planning’ trainings.
How does the employee get along and communicate with her supervisors and team members?
- Mommy appropriately varies her word choice when speaking with managers vs colleagues (i.e.Daddy).
- Mommy claims she feels “forced” to increase her volume and change her tone to adapt to managers’ behaviors. This area could use improvement.
- She has a tendency to communicate with peers in a text-based mode. The IT team is investigating this.
Is the employee self-reliant and confident enough to solve problems with little outside direction?
- Mommy successfully outsources tasks (e.g. nail cutting and vomit disposal) to other team members, but is confident in her ability to cut hair and regulate media usage.
- Mommy often requires outside direction on acceptable meal choices, as noted in her previous review.
- She often turns to books and podcasts if she encounters difficulties (e.g. strong willed children).
Does the employee represent the company in a positive, respectful manner when dealing with clients, customers, vendors, etc.?
- Mommy displays excellent manners with grocery store clerks, teachers, and pediatricians.
- She appropriately communicates company needs (e.g. apples, not oranges) to restaurant servers.
- Mommy excels at spelling the company name during phone operations, as needed.
- Mommy manages to hold all necessary cards (credit, insurance, store savings) in her wallet concurrently.
What does the employee do exceptionally well?
- Mommy excels at
- finding seemingly lost items
- managing multiple dinner requests
- adapting pop music into appropriate bedtime songs
- Mommy expertly provides “magic mommy kisses” to remedy bumps and bruises.
- Mommy is consistent in her declarations of love and loyalty to her managers.
What does the employee need to improve upon?
- Mommy can improve on
- length of fully engaged playtime with managers
- service of chocolate-based desserts
- frequency of late bedtime
Overall, Mommy is a strong member of our foundation team. As her supervisors, we say with confidence that she exceeds expectations.
As such, Mommy is bonus eligible and has earned 4 weeks vacation. Just kidding.