Today I confess that I so don’t have this.
Today is day 3 of my steroid infusion. I woke up at 4 a.m. (steroids don’t tend to provide a restful night. It’s more like you want to clean the top of the fridge at 1:30 a.m.), and yesterday’s frenetic energy driven craziness started all over again. Screaming kids, another course of steroids, irritable parents waiting on a call from insurance, a fight over a Doc McStuffins play phone, missing black gym socks, and a LeapPad with drained batteries. Actually a normal morning except for the IV line stuck in my arm and the reality that I needed to finish the steroid bag before the bus stop and then pull the catheter out myself. And LOTS of negative energy all around.
Most days I can look on the bright side (heck, I’m even wearing a bright yellow shirt today!), but today I just can’t will myself to do it. It sucks, and I’m owning that.
A few months ago a friend from middle school and high school wrote a post for her darling blog titled “I confess” Her confessions were so funny, and when I put her idea in my blog calendar as a potential post, I wanted to mimic that humor. But, I promised to be honest on this blog, so it will have a mix of funny and real today because that’s just where I’m at. Here goes nothing.
- I lie to my kids about having a “job.” Last year, when I started the blog, I decided to tell my kids I had a new job as a writer. I go to my job every Sunday morning and also while they are at school. I even get “dressed” for my job, take pictures they’ve colored to hang up in my “office” (i.e. Starbucks), and refuse to let them touch my “work computer.” I’ve even convinced them that the money I earn from said job is what pays for all of their fun activities, so they are on board. I don’t regret it. Not even a little.
- I have taken full advantage of the “free bagel a day in September” offer at Panera. They may have expected me to buy something in addition to the bagel, but they don’t know whose granddaughter I am (she use to send me her grocery receipts with the savings row circled). My twins order their one split plain bagel like pros, and we offer the sacrifice to the gluten gods.
- I screamed at my son louder today than I ever have. I could blame it on steroid day 3 roid rage, but I know it was bubbling to the surface on day two. My sad turned to mad and my helplessness turned to regret. We both cried and then drove to preschool.
- When my husband is home late from work I watch our DVR’d and OnDemand shows without him, and then watch them again with him like I never saw them. He still doesn’t know how I have such a better grasp on the plot lines than he does. Since he doesn’t read this blog, let’s just keep it our secret.
- I eat far than my fair share of the world’s coconut supply. If there is ever a worm infestation in the coconut trees reminiscent of my father’s folklore story about the pine nut crop I’ll turn to the black market or I’ll starve.
- Those may or may not be the same yoga pants you saw me in yesterday. I’ll leave that up to your imagination.
- And lastly, to be completely real. The pending stem cell transplant is starting to get to me. It’s getting to all of us. The waiting. The uncertainty. The hope that this will all be worth it. The fear that I won’t be able to get through it. The worry that it won’t work. The ongoing desire to crawl under the covers and hide.
I confess that I’m wearing my yellow shirt and trying to get through each day, but I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit my recent moments have not been some of my best. I’ll try again tomorrow because today I fully confess that I’m giving in and going to take a nap.